November 15, 2023

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Maya Angelou, a poetic goddess, crafted verses that still have the power to stir the soul and invoke the purest of emotions. So does reconnecting with an old flame. Just over a week ago, I noticed a short "hello, how are you doing?" in my Facebook inbox. Almost immediately, I was transported back to a younger, more carefree time. Let me explain.

Eric was on the other end of the innocuous Facebook message. We haven't seen each other in more than 15 years, when we exchanged a brief glance at his mother's funeral. Before that, we hadn't communicated since we parted ways back in 2001--many lifetimes ago. Since then, we both got married, had children and then divorced.

We'd met through mutual friends while I was in high school. He was older, but only by a few years. While working together at the local mall, I developed a huge crush that would initially go unrequited. I remember watching him walk through the mall's noisy atrium, illuminated by the bright, artificial glow of overhead lights, and then suddenly darting my eyes away when he noticed me noticing him.

Eventually, a friendship infused with gentle flirting emerged. He would accompany me to my senior prom as friends, removing the pressure of having a boyfriend and all the other drama that occurs with such youthful matters. We would go on to date two separate times, once before I left for college and then once when I returned.

Here is where the story gets complicated. As we spoke the other day, it became clear that we remember two very different pasts. I remember a world where he refused to call me his girlfriend and that led to the end of our relationship. I was caught up in labels and perhaps needed them to quiet my insecurities. He remembers a world where I wasn't ready to settle down, and so he went on to marry a woman who was.

How did we get it so wrong? Where was the open and honest communication? Whose narrative is closest to the truth?

In the end, it costs nothing to daydream about what might have been. For me, this reconnection has played an important role in preparing my heart to open again. After failed relationships, and then a marriage that was doomed from the beginning, it's easy to close off the heart. To protect it by believing that love is only something that happens to other people.

Eric showed up to remind me what friendship fused with romance looks like. It's a brisk, mid-autumn walk through DC, hand-in-hand, under the stars while singing songs inspired by life and love. It's laughing uninhibitedly. It's celebrating differences. It's being vulnerable under pressure. It's creating nostalgic memories that transcend the passage of time. It's also miscommunication, misdirection and redirection. Regardless, I'm ready for all of it: I'm open and willing to trust love again. And again. And again. And again.

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